At Last, A Cure for Autism!

One of the most exciting scientific studies this year is out of the esteemed journal Reddit, where researchers found that organic food causes autism. Their data are very convincing, though like all scientists, they’re still hesitant to confirm that organic food is the sole cause; in comments from peers, issues like correlations with an aging population and other potential factors have been discussed. However, it’s quite clear from the dramatic graph at the lead of the article that as organic produce sales have risen, so has the rate of autism diagnoses, making it obvious that there’s a very logical cause for the uptick in autism.

This comes in the midst of a swirl of debate over advocates suggesting that autism is caused by bizarre things like environmental factors, vaccines, and other rubbish, with some researchers even going so far as to ridiculously argue that the rise in diagnoses may be multifactorial in nature. The fact that the scientific establishment hasn’t identified the organic food issue earlier just goes to show the strength of the organic lobby, which has successfully convinced respected researchers to collude in a multibillion dollar conspiracy that is sickening our children and spreading the scourge of autism around the world.

Jasonp55 made a brave decision when he decided to publish his establishment-defying findings, illustrating that some scientific rigor and ethics live on in at least some researchers. I can only hope he doesn’t face censure for so boldly presenting his research in a hostile world; for certainly people ahead of the scientific curve in the past have found themselves heavily punished, harassed, and sometimes even taken to court over their daring work. Look, for example, at those providing key evidence about the global warming myth, illustrating that this environmentalist conspiracy is only designed to bilk oil companies and utilities of billions of dollars in profits, destroying stock values and triggering international panic over something that is little more than ambient temperature fluctuations.

Given the frozen winter we just lived through, how can we be experiencing global warming? Yet, researchers who dare to point this out are pilloried, forced out of their jobs, attacked with a terrifying mob mentality that includes opinion editorials in major scientific journals as well as conferences discussing ‘climate change’ that refuse to admit these researchers, solely because their views don’t align with that of the establishment.

But I’m digressing. The important thing here is that Jasonp55’s work has presented a fantastic opportunity and gift to the world: at last, we have a cure for autism. We need to stop growing, buying, and consuming organic food. The quicker we manage to phase it out, the better, because we are already facing a crisis point in autism cases, and we still don’t know if autism can be cured after organic food is withdrawn from a child’s diet. It’s possible that instead, we will experience a plateau in autism rates before they finally start to fall, reflecting sound dietary choices.

Of course, there will be holdouts; just as there are people who resolutely continue vaccinating their children in the mistaken belief that vaccines are safe, there will undoubtedly be people who insist on continuing to eat organic food, or who demand more research to persuade them. Personally, I don’t know why one study isn’t enough for them; this is a pretty cut and dried issue, here, and it’s critical when children are involved to act fast when an obvious danger presents itself.

Would you leave a child playing alone in the middle of a multi-lane highway? Of course not. So why would you continue to feed a child organic food, knowing that it causes autism?

You might be a little worried about the transition to an inorganic diet, and I don’t blame you. After all, you want to maintain the diversity of your diet, and you want to make sure that all your dietary needs are being met. Fortunately, there are tons of inorganic compounds for you to get started with! Consider whipping up a nice cold soup with gallium arsenide for those hot summer days when you just want to collapse in a puddle and melt. You’ll feel nice and invigorated if you supplement that with some barium chlorate croutons: but remember, no cheating and using regular flour! I know, it takes some hard work to make the adjustment, but it’s going to be worth it.

For winter, there are hearty chlorine trioxide stews and potassium cyanide roasts, along with numerous fantastic side dishes you can make with compounds like yttrium iron garnet, hydrogen bromide, and mercury sulfate. And how about an iodic acid dressing?! Really, the possibilities are endless; if anything, you’ve been limiting yourself all this time by sticking to organic food. Inorganic compounds aren’t just the cure for autism: they’re the wave of the future, and I’ll bet that they also cure tons of other diseases too, like obesity, and being gay!

As always, some members of society are going to be resistant to the idea that it’s time to kick organic food to the curb. That’s why it’s important for you to contact your elected official and urge her to fast-track a ban on all organic food production, distribution, and sales. Make sure dangerous organic products can’t enter homes and schools where they might harm children; talk to your local health department and school officials about a public awareness campaign to get people informed and excited about inorganic compounds. Maybe you should consider sponsoring a cooking class!

Let’s all give Jasonp55 a round of applause for solving a troubling medical mystery!