Conspiracy to Save the World

“Write about ‘the gays,'” Brendan says, so I will write about the gays.

It came to me while I was sitting on the toilet today that all this talk of a “great homosexual conspiracy” which will destroy the fabric of our society is, in fact, complete hogwash. Indeed, I realized, as I rummaged for the toilet paper, which had fallen behind the hot water heater again, “the gays” (and lesbians) may in fact SAVE AMERICA. And possibly the world. Or at least the economy, and the children. Most of this applies to wealthier members of the “gay conspiracy,” not “the gays” in general, but I think you get my drift.

See, here’s the thing about many gay couples, especially in my former base of San Francisco. Many of them tend to be upwardly mobile, well heeled people who want to live in nice neighborhoods. Nice neighborhoods have high property taxes. High property taxes pay for schools along with other cool things like fire trucks. These couples also want to have safe, pleasant places to live with clean streets. And they want to be able to visit safe, pleasant places as well, meaning that they invest time and energy in making their cities clean and awesome to be in.

Some couples also have a lot of disposable income, since they aren’t, you know, raising children. While sensible people save and invest, it is possible to have one’s cake and eat it, too, pumping money into a tired economy. Numerous luxury companies make products which are aimed at the gay community with this very thought in mind. Since many couples also embrace liberal ideals like “buy local,” they spend this money in local stores, rejuvenating the local economy and paying hefty sales tax. This is good for the community in general, not just a single well heeled neighborhood.

Indeed, these aforementioned liberal ideals are important. All that disposable income often goes to support progressive causes, and gay couples don’t spend all their time lobbying for gay marriage and gloryholes on every street corner. They also write their representatives about issues like global warming, lobby for the abolishment of child labor, and participate in community cleanup days. Environmental stewardship isn’t limited to heteros, and neither is caring about children, animals, and the evils of capitalism. They also do things like becoming lawyers, senators, chefs, artists, and everything else in between.

They also adopt unwanted children! When our facist state lets them. This sort of dismisses the Christian idea that being gay is not ok because you don’t have children. After all, I know plenty of het couples without kids, and I don’t see them being picketed when they try to live their lives. Sometimes they also adopt pets, which is a pretty excellent thing in a country which kills millions of cats and dogs every year because no one wants them. And, of course, a lot of those children are the unwanted castings of good Christian girls who couldn’t bear the thought of destroying a precious little fetus.

Also, everyone knows that the gays design the best sex toys, which I think would argue for general societal improvement.

I am constantly amazed by the fact that I live in a society where people seriously think that the sexuality of other people is their business. Many of the same points above apply, of course, to heterosexual couples, which suggests that sexual orientation has less to do with how you behave in society than other things, like personal ethics and values. I’m not quite sure why people get so worked up about “the gays” and their dastardly doings, when they could be doing more important things like volunteering at the library, watering the garden, and soliciting gay prostitutes while they lead major churches. Live and let live, I say!