this ain't livin'

Epiphany | 06Jan09

I had an epiphany over the Christmas holiday, while I was socializing with friends and one of them made an offhand comment about how his girlfriend didn’t enjoy his dead hooker jokes. I realized, in a sudden flash, that I don’t enjoy dead hooker jokes either. I used to be quite a connoisseur of dead hooker/dead baby/dead etc jokes, but I’m not any more. It was a strange moment, because he was talking, and I almost stepped in with “well, I can see why she doesn’t, because dead hooker jokes are not funny. Sex workers are extremely vulnerable to sexual assault and violence, and I don’t think that’s a joking matter.” I didn’t speak up, though, because the conversation veered off in another direction, and because I didn’t want to make a scene.

There seems to be a tendency among a lot of fast young things, especially white ones, to make offensive jokes in “safe” company because it is somehow viewed as an expression of irony. I am ashamed to admit that I once engaged in this behaviour myself, making stupid sexist or racist or whateverist jokes among friends as a show of how hip and sensitive I am, because, you see, the joke is funny because it isn’t funny, and we all know that, so it’s ok.

But, actually, it’s not. Because whateverist jokes are not funny, no matter who tells them, and no matter what the company is. By telling such jokes, we are to some extent buying into them, and we’re also defusing a more serious conversation about cultural issues. For every time someone who is otherwise a very excellent person tells a dead hooker joke, there is someone who takes that joke seriously, who thinks that it is funny, and that someone may eventually end up killing a sex worker, because that joke dehumanized sex workers as a group, thereby making it acceptable.

Furthermore, when people in mixed company make jokes about themselves, they aren’t actually doing it to be hip or funny. They are doing it to defuse tensions, to preemptively dispel nerves, to make people feel more comfortable. And maybe they shouldn’t. Maybe Asians shouldn’t make Asian jokes with their white friends. Maybe Catholics shouldn’t make fun of Catholicism when they hang out with atheists. Maybe blondes shouldn’t make blonde jokes. Perhaps we shouldn’t be subtly encouraging people to think that they should denigrate themselves to make other people feel more secure.

I was thinking about this again on New Year’s Eve, when I was at a dinner party that looked like a multicultural wet dream, and thinking about how all of us were getting along and how race and religion were not an issue, but also how there were subtle undercurrents going on, and that, actually, race and religion were an issue, but no one was saying it. On the surface, all was dandy, but there was a great deal of tiptoeing through the tulips going on.

Each of us comes to our epiphany in our own moment, and I’ve learned that trying to force people to understand the epiphany before they are ready is pointless. But I also think that it’s time for me to be more assertive about not liking whateverist jokes, even if it does make for awkward conversations, because we need to be talking about these things, not ignoring them. And we need to live in a society where people of any color/sexual orientation/religious origin/political belief feel comfortable challenging offensive material, rather than thinking that they need to sit in appalled silence.

You can’t force an epiphany on someone, but you can’t expect people to come to a realization without a bit of gentle nudging. Speaking up when people offend you is the only way to hope to make them understand that they are being offensive, and maybe someday they will make the leap from “not talking about topic x around so-and-s0″ to “not making offensive comments/jokes because they are not funny or appropriate in any setting.”

What Comes Next | 15Dec08

By now, I’m assuming you’ve heard of or possibly seen Mike Huckabee’s appearance on the Daily Show last week, in which Jon Stewart basically proceeded to tear Huckabee a new one on the issue of gay marriage. I thought that it was a pretty solid interview, and Stewart wins major style points for being fairly nice, and making a lot of excellent, pithy, and very smart points in response to Huckabee.

But there’s one place where he really missed the boat, and that’s when Huckabee said that legalizing gay marriage would basically allow people to legalize anything, using polygamy as an example, but with the implication that marriage to animals/minors/etc couldn’t be too far behind.

Why do conservatives believe this? I note that this argument appears again and again in discussions about this issue, and I have no idea where it comes from. I really just don’t understand it. And I don’t understand why otherwise intelligent people fall for it hook, line, and sinker.

I think it’s pretty clear that if a law legalizing gay marriage was passed, that law would not, by default, legalize polygamy. I’m not even convinced that it would bring polygamy into the spotlight, because the only people who keep bringing up polygamous marriage and legalization are the people who oppose it.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that the LGBQT community outnumbers the polygamous community. If a federal law legalizing gay marriage was passed (and wouldn’t that be awesome), it might spark hope in the hearts of a few polygamists, but I doubt that it would be used as the catalyst for a legalization movement. Given the fact that many polygamists are anti-LGBQT, there’s not even common ground for coalition-building there.

For one thing, I think there’s a real argument that, in some circumstances, polygamy can be directly harmful, especially to women. And that concern is going to be a major barrier to legalization, even among people who are not opposed to polygamy on principle. Likewise in the more extreme instances of marriage to minor and animals, who are not capable of consent. The sheer ethical issues involved are a big stumbling block. The issue with gay marriage isn’t ethics (in most cases, anyway), but morals, and that’s another matter altogether.

The simplistic argument that legalization of same-sex marriage would somehow lay the groundwork to legalize “anything” in the bedroom is totally specious, and frankly offensive. I really wish that people would stop being taken in by it. And I also wish that people who are opposed to same-sex marriage would just admit that they are bigots, rather than claiming to “really like gays,” because that is also offensive. People opposed voting rights for women because they were sexist, they opposed equal protection under the law for Asians in California because they were racist, and they oppose same-sex marriage because they are homophobic. So don’t give me that line about “protecting traditional marriage.”

Also, Stewart really kind of messed up, in my opinion, when Huckabee said that the majority of Americans do not support gay marriage. I’m not going to argue with that statistic (though I am pleased to see that the margin in these polls grows smaller every year), but I do think that Stewart should have specifically said that the majority should not be allowed to prescribe for the minority. LGBQTs are a minority, and there’s no getting around that. Why should the majority be making decisions for us? If we thought that was appropriate, Asians probably still wouldn’t be allowed to buy land here.

Calling in Gay | 10Dec08

That’s right, gang, it’s 10 December 2008, which means that it’s No Gays* for a Day. But hey, don’t feel deprived because there’s nothing for you to see here. Why not join us in service today, and donate some time to a local cause.

(This lovely image was taken by Flickr user KitAy.)

*Or queers, lesbians, transpeople, allies, bisexuals, asexuals…

Day of Remembrance | 22Nov08

I totally dropped the ball on the Trans Day of Remembrance, which was on Thursday. I really didn’t mean to do it, it just sort of happened, and suddenly it was today and I realized that I hadn’t said anything. Better late than never, however, as they say.

I have mixed feelings about designated days of remembrance. On the one hand, I feel like we shouldn’t be setting aside special days to think about something and get outraged about it. For friends and family members who have lost trans loved ones to hate crimes, every day already is a day of remembrance. And the idea of a day of remembrance seems to suggest to me that we don’t remember on the other days of the year, and that’s simply not the case. I remember every day. I think about lost loved ones when I get up in the morning, and again when I go to sleep at night.

But there is one definite benefit to a day of remembrance, and that’s the fact that a day of remembrance can be used as an act of education. And as an opportunity for communities as a whole to honor their dead. Which doesn’t seem to be something that we do very much in America these days. We like to bottle it up and repress it and not discuss it, and expressions of overt grief or pain or distress are deemed inappropriate, even offensive. Or prurient, and subject to fascination from the media, who swoop in on funeral shrines like vultures to pick over the dead.

Personally, I find hate crimes offensive. I find it offensive that people who kill trans people often get a light sentence on a “trans panic” defense. I find it offensive that we have to hold a day of remembrance because there are so many martyred trans people in this country, and around the world. I want to never have to write about this issue again, because it makes me angry, and it makes me frustrated, and it makes me wonder what kind of world we live in, when people aren’t safe to walk the streets and be themselves. When people aren’t safe to go home at night. When people have no home to go to because of who they are.

This year, Teish Cannon, Dilek Ince, Ali, Duanna Johnson, Aimee Wilcoxson, Nakhia Williams, Ruby Molina, Samantha Brandau, Jaylynn Namauu, Angie Zapata, Juan Coronel, Rosa Pazos, Ebony Whitaker, Silvana Berisha, Felicia Melton-Smith, Lloyd Nixon, Luna, Simmie Williams, Lawrence King, Sanesha Stewart, Ashley Sweeney, Fedra, Stacy Brown, Adolphus Simmons, Patrick Murphy, and countless other unnamed victims died because of their gender identity.

These people died because of bigotry and hatred. They died because no one stepped forward. They died alone and stuffed into dumpsters, they died in crowded parties, they died in police custody and out on the streets. Every time we do nothing, every time we fail to act when we see something which is wrong, we are culpable.

Don’t be culpable. Stamp out bigotry wherever you find it.

Bad Moves | 17Nov08

In the wake of the wave of protests on Saturday (many of which, I note, were ignored by the mass media), it was with some dismay that I read of some of the more insidious tactics on the part of Prop 8 opponents and other LGBQT activists. I think that some of the steps being taken in the name of defending equality are bad moves, and I hope that other activists and supporters of the cause join me in condemning them, because these activities are exactly what we don’t need.

What am I talking about, you ask?

How about a plan in Seattle to picket the household of a Mormon family who donated a lot of money to the 8 supporters? Apparently this evening is designated a family home evening in the LDS, which is a night for family members to gather together, eat together, play games, and generally bond. I know that if it was my family home evening, I would be pissed and extremely upset if my home was picketed. So much so, in fact, that I would tend to write off the cause altogether. The more rational thing to do would be to send out LGBQT missionaries to homes of major donors to talk to them about their donations and the cause in a friendly, neutral way. Picketing a home, attacking a family, that’s a bad idea.

So is intimidating restaurants to the point that their employees band together to donate sums to Equality California to make up for the money donated by their managers. I’m fine with an organized boycott of businesses who donated to the 8 supporters, and I think that’s a very effective method of protest. But banding together to frighten employees and customers by shouting ugly epithets is a bad move. Again, it alienates people from the cause, and it’s basically blackmailing the employees, which is something that opponents of equality are going to be all over.

There seems to be no separation between owners/managers and staff at businesses in the eyes of some protesters. Everyone is entitled to donate money to causes they support, and I’m fine with that. I’m also fine with picking specific people who have donated to a cause and challenging them on it, as in the case of a musical theater director who was forced to resign after donating to Prop 8. I am not fine with lumping restaurant staff in with a  manager and blackmailing them collectively. I know how much restaurant employees make, and that donation probably hurt some people very badly. That is not cool. Had the donation been made in the name of the restaurant, with clear indicators that it was collective, I still wouldn’t be ok with picketing the restaurant and shouting hate speech, because this is what the other side does, and I thought we didn’t like the other side.

Yes, information about donors is a matter of public record, by legal requirement. But 8 opponents would rightly call foul if their homes and businesses were being threatened by angry mobs, because mob vengeance is not ok. It’s not productive, it’s not acceptable, and it’s dangerous. More importantly, it damages the cause.

I am furious with activists who are engaging in this kind of activity in my name. Because they are not doing this in my name, and I think that they are directly contributing harm to the cause of LGBQT equality. I want them to start taking some responsibility for their actions, and I want to see some serious reigning in and focusing on more effective methods of protest.

I get that people are angry. I’m angry. There’s a lot of anger going around. But we’ve clearly shown the capacity to organize, so why don’t we take it one step further and organize in a way which is logical and productive. We should not be engaging in violence, threats, and intimidation.

By all means, we should be protesting. The marches which took place across the country sent a huge, powerful message which I hope cannot be ignored. And there are some great ways to protest. For example, my “missionary” idea above, which I think would be great. Day Without a Gay, borrowed from the “Day Without an Immigrant” protests, is also a good idea.

It’s a terrible thing to have to explain to people why we deserve rights, but, in point of fact, this is exactly what we need to do. Violence and anger are just going to create more entrenchment, and an even stronger backlash. Sure, we could try to achieve LGBQT rights by trampling all over other people, but I’ve known from an early age that it’s easier to treat people with respect, and respect and courtesy get you a lot further than anything else does.

Join the Impact | 15Nov08

I can’t attend the protests going on all over the country today, but I can join the impact in a different way. Right now, at this exact moment, people are standing up all over the country for LQBQT rights, and that is a pretty awesome thing. I can’t wait to see reports from the protests, because I think that several of them are going to get quite large.

These protests were organized around the freedom to marry, but LGBQT rights is about a lot more than that. While I think that the protests are valuable to call attention to the cause, I do think that some outreach needs to be done, to explain that what we want isn’t just marriage equality. Marriage equality is a part of the package, for sure, but there are a lot of other issues which need to be addressed. A lot of those issues are, I think, more important than the freedom to marry.

This is a nation in which transpeople are murdered because of their gender identity, in which gays and lesbians are viciously attacked, beaten, and sometimes killed because of their sexual orientations. We want protection from hate crimes, and we want a world in which those hate crimes are viewed as unacceptable. A world where police forces do not beat people because they are LGBQT.

This is a world where members of the LGBQT community can be fired with impunity, with businesses being confident that they don’t need to provide a justification for termination, except in a handful of scattered locations around the United States. As long as you can be fired for being gay, lesbian, bisexual, queer, transsexual, or intersexed, there’s a problem. We want legal protections to include the LGBQT community in addition to women and minorities.

Members of the LGBQT community are routinely denied housing because of their sexual orientation. The Fair Housing Act needs to cover us, too, to ensure that when we are denied a place to live, it’s because of something like our credit records or income, not because of what our genitalia looks like, or who we love. The Fair Housing Act protects minorities and people with families from housing discrimination, and the infrastructure to support it is in place. We just want to be added.

We are routinely profiled by our looks, by what we wear, by what symbols we display. We are harassed by law enforcement, taunted by people on the street, mocked in our workplaces and schools. This type of discrimination may not be legal, but it happens every day, and that suggests that society in general has not accepted the LGBQT community.

LBGQT teens are at increased risk of depression, suicide, homelessness, and drug abuse. We need to live in a country where the needs of LGBQT children and teens are supported and addressed, where people can feel confident getting the help they need from people who are professional, unbiased, and helpful. I don’t want to see young transpeople turning tricks to pay for their hormones. I don’t want to see gay teens being murdered by people who use gay panic as a defense. I don’t want to see lesbian girls mocked off sports teams. If children are our future, we need to help all the children.

Members of the LGBQT community are also vulnerable to discrimination in health care. It wasn’t that long ago that medical professionals refused to treat or interact with AIDS patients, forcing hospitals to set up specialty wings with high-paid “volunteer” nurses and doctors. We are more likely to experience in routine medical examinations, including criticism of our sexuality and lifestyle, and we often have trouble obtaining the medical care that we need. Many insurance companies fight the provision of benefits to transpeople. This is wrong.

I’ve heard people say that we are “riding the coattails” of other civil rights movements, with tones of sneering resentment. Well, guess what, kids, civil rights is for everyone, and if we use a lot of techniques from previous civil rights fights, it’s because they work, not because we’re riding anyone’s coattails.

I am going to fight, and keep fighting, for my civil rights, and for the civil rights of all Americans. I would like to see a day when this country realizes its potential, when people are not mistreated because of their sexuality, gender, religious affiliation, race, or national origin. I will keep fighting against injustice until there is no more injustice left to fight, and I suspect that I won’t run out of injustice in my lifetime.

Won’t You Be My Ally? | 14Nov08

Civil rights fights are not won alone. I’ve talked a great deal about LGBQT* issues in the last week, and I hope that I’ve opened some eyes. But one of the things I haven’t talked about yet is how to be an LGBQT ally. If you aren’t a member of the LGBQT community, you might reasonably wonder about what you can do to help us. And, as someone who frequently feels alienated by people who rant about “intersectionality” and “oppression,” I want to provide you with a clear guide of how you can help us, rather than just blathering at you.

Talk to us

Hey, we get it. There’s a lot about us that you don’t understand, or that you might be puzzled about. Why don’t you try asking us politely? Not sure what pronoun to use? Ask. Not sure about which words someone finds offensive, and which words that person is fine with? Ask. But hey, please remember that we don’t like being asked about what our genitalia looks like and how we have sex with our partners. You know, personal, private things that really don’t have any bearing on your life.

Speak out for us

People making gay jokes? Someone being made fun of because that person has an ambiguous gender presentation? Ranting about fags in your earshot? Don’t tolerate it. Just as I speak out when someone makes racist jokes, or rape jokes, you can speak out when people use hate speech about members of the LGBQT community. You don’t have to go into great detail. All it takes is “that kind of talk makes me uncomfortable,” or “I think that making fun of someone because of ______ isn’t really appropriate.”

Never assume

Ambiguity is the spice of life. Just because someone looks like a woman, walks like a woman, and acts like a woman doesn’t mean that person identifies as a woman. Don’t make assumptions about someone’s sexual identity or gender preference.

Keep learning

If you don’t know that much about asexuality, or gender reassignment surgery, or any number of other topics, don’t be afraid to research to get the answers to your questions. The more you learn, the more empowered you are. And, the more you learn, the more you can talk to people who are uninformed about LGBQT issues. Know what the difference between a transgendered person/transsexual and a transvestite is. If you encounter a term you don’t recognize or understand, ask to have it explained.

Stand with us

Support us. Help us. March with us. Vote with us. Donate to LGBQT causes, or put in time if you can’t afford to donate money. Be part of the change that we are trying to make, and be outspoken about your participation. Show other straight people that being an LGBQT ally does not have to be difficult. Educate the people around you. Make it clear that you welcome LGBQT people in your spaces (work, home, school, etc), and also make it clear that you will not accept intolerance. Identify yourself with LGBQT symbols, like the pink triangle or rainbow flag.

Meet us

Consider attending meetings in your area for LGBQT allies. Read LGBQT websites. We’re a pretty diverse group, and there’s a lot to see/experience/learn.

Know that civil rights is about a lot more than marriage

In all of the kerfuffle over Proposition 8, I’ve noted that a number of people seem to be making the mistake of thinking that the LGBQT community thinks that marriage=civil rights. This is not true. Marriage is a civil rights issue, and it should be treated as one, but the LGBQT movement for civil rights is about a lot more than that. We want to be given equal treatment under the law, which means the right to legal recourse when we are discriminated against. Freedom to walk the streets without having to worry about being assaulted. The freedom to express ourselves in our communities. Yes, same sex marriage has been used as a rallying point of late (especially among white LGBQTs), but it’s only one piece of a larger puzzle.

Just knowing that you want to identify as an LGBQT ally is a great first step. Remember that you should never be afraid to ask for help, and welcome to the team.

*So, there are a lot more letters I could be using here, like A (asexual) and I (intersexual), among many, many, many others. And I don’t want people whose letters aren’t represented in LGBQT to feel left out, or to feel like they don’t matter, because they do. This is merely a matter of convenience for me: if I put in a letter for all of these people, I would end up with an acronym that took up a whole paragraph. When I say “LGBQT” I am also including cross-dressers, asexuals, intersexed individuals, kinksters, polyamourous people, and everyone else who identifies with a non-heteronormative term. The civil rights of ALL of these people matter, not just LGBGTs, and don’t you forget it.

My Statement | 13Nov08

I’m queer. And not in a “of a questionable nature or character,” “mentally unbalanced or deranged,” “bad, worthless, or counterfeit,” or ” not feeling physically right or well” kind of way. You probably already know that, if you’ve been reading this site for any amount of time, but I think that this is the time to explicitly state it. I haven’t written much about my sexual identity in the past, because I’ve always considered it a personal matter, just like I consider your sexuality to be a personal matter, but I learned on 4 November that this was a mistake. It’s not a personal matter, and that’s why I am telling you this today.

My identity, and what of other LGBQT people, is a public and political matter.

One of the huge problems with the LGBQT rights movement is that we are invisible until we choose to show ourselves. You can’t tell I’m a queer from my skin color, the way I dress, the way I speak. What I do (or don’t do) in church, synagogue, temple, mosque, or other house of worship. You wouldn’t know it from talking to me on the phone, sitting next to me on the train, or reading my words on the page. Until now.

Civil rights movements for women and people of colour had a huge advantage, which is that they couldn’t be hidden in the closet. That’s also a disadvantage. In order to discriminate against me because I am queer, someone has to be told that I am queer. That’s not the case with people of color and women, who continue to be routinely discriminated against because they are easy to identify. But by being clearly visible, these proponents for civil rights showed society that they weren’t going away.

It’s time to be out and proud, my queer friends. I need, you need, we all need, to set an example for the rest of society. We are here, we’re queer, and we’re not going anywhere. A huge part of fighting for civil rights is about fighting intolerance, and people fear that which they do not know. People will continue to fear us until they know us, so we need to let them know us. We need to include them in our experience, to show them the common ground we have with them.

Gentle readers, we may have differing sexualities, but we have a lot in common. And if you aren’t on the LGBQT rights bandwagon yet, I hope you will be soon. You don’t have to be one of us to support us. And I know that you can’t get there without knowing us, and without talking to us, so here I am, letting you know me. You must like me, if you’re reading me. You must see that we have a lot in common, as I write about everything from what I eat for breakfast to being stuck on trains that get trapped in tunnels. And maybe you can see that the commonalities between us build a bridge.

I want my rights, and the rights of my fellow queers. But I want you to want them too. I need you to want them, because I/we cannot do this without you. And, in the coming months, I am going to be talking a lot more about LGBQT issues. I want you to know us, I want you to be unafraid to ask questions, and I want you to support our fight for civil rights. I want to be voting for the first queer President in my lifetime. And I want you to love that President as much as people seem to be loving on Obama right now.

Harvey Milk, who was shot 30 years ago, once said “I would like to see every gay lawyer, every gay architect come out, stand up and let the world know. That would do more to end prejudice overnight than anybody could imagine. I urge them to do that, urge them to come out. Only that way will we start to achieve our rights.” He was right.

Before I leave you, I want to briefly address the word “queer.” Queer is a tricky word. Like cunt, like faggot, like n—r, it’s a word which has historically been used to oppress and humiliate people. And, like all of those words, it’s a word we are taking back.

Can “queer” be used as an insult? It most certainly can. I see the face of a bigot twisted with fear and hate while he talks about the “fucking queers,” and I feel fear. But by identifying as queer, by explicitly stating my identity, I encourage others to do so, and to live public lives. I encourage people to take this word back, because, guess what, bigot, there’s nothing wrong with being a queer.

In fact, being queer is pretty fucking awesome.

The Comment I’m Not Making | 11Nov08

Every morning, I wake up and my RSS feed is filled with posts screaming at me for blaming the black community for what happened with Proposition 8, and I want to respond to every single one of them, except that I am afraid of being viewed as a troll. So, here’s the response I want to put in the comment threads of every single post shrilling denouncing the white LGBQT community:

“Hey, great idea. Let’s continue fanning the flames instead of having a constructive dialogue about the issue. And, while you’re at it, please make sure to do exactly what you are screaming at us for doing, which is to say lumping the entire white LGBQT community together as a “monolithic groupmind.” That’s very productive. I really enjoy being lumped in together with the assholes making racisct comments who are apparently incapable of understanding the lunacy, irony, and shamefulness in making such comments. You say that you’re turning your back on the LGBQT civil rights movement, even though that screws over your LGBQT brothers and sisters. I could turn that back on you and say that I’m going to turn my back on black civil rights, except that I’m not, because that would be stupid. So please, pull your head out of your ass, and start bringing something constructive to this discussion instead of shrieking continuously. I think that there’s a big segment of the white LGBQT community that wants to talk about this, but we are afraid. (Just like you say you’re afraid to show up in protests in opposition to Prop 8 and other anti-gay measures.) See this? Yeah, that is productive. That is a clear discussion about some of the issues involved, and that is what I call outreach and a genuine attempt to address the issue. Look, I know you’re pissed that some wackjobs looked at some exit polls and drew erroneous conclusions, and I think that the issue of racism among white activists does need to be addressed, but we can’t address it until you stop berating us as a collective. So please, stop.”

Gaywashing | 09Nov08

I’d like to talk about Grey’s Anatomy for a moment. If you don’t watch, that’s ok, because what I really want to talk about is the astonishing act of gaywashing ABC just perpetrated, and Grey’s Anatomy happens to be the show which was involved.

Basically, Grey’s Anatomy is a soap opera which airs at night, giving it a veneer of legitimacy and a huge fan base. It takes place in a hospital, as we follow the nascent careers of a group of surgical residents. Apparently, in between learning how to become surgeons, they have time to have sex with each other constantly, and to get involved in prolonged and improbable dramas. I watch it in the same way that I peer at a train wreck: because I can’t tear my eyes away.

At any rate, the show is heavily heterosexual. This season, they went out on a limb, and created a relationship between Doctor Callie Torres (Sara Ramirez) and Doctor Erica Hahn (Brooke Smith). Now, the relationship was pretty problematic. Two characters who were avowedly het “suddenly discovered” their deep passion for each other, and people started calling the relationship “lesbian,” when it was more properly bisexual. But it was a touching relationship, and I thought it was great to see it portrayed so positively on television, especially with Smith’s awesome “you are the glasses” monologue, even though it had parts which were suspiciously similar to my own essay on getting glasses for the first time. But whatever. “The trees have leaves” is a pretty common experience for people getting glasses for the first time, I’m sure.

So, everything seemed to be going along swimmingly, until a bombshell got dropped: Thursday’s episode was Smith’s last. The last we see of her is a shot of her walking to her car. That’s it. Boom. Gone. Among other things, that is totally out of character for Dr. Hahn, who is a tough-talking, dedicated surgeon, not a weenie who backs down from a fight.

Needless to say, everyone is going “what the fuck,” and the most commonly-cited reason is gaywashing. Which, I have to say, it totally was. The network clearly felt uncomfortable with the relationship, and they asked Shonda Rhimes to can the character. It’s that simple. They didn’t even leave it open by keeping her on the show (because she was great as an egotistical cardiothoracic surgeon). They just dumped her.

Now, people say “oh, well, the public didn’t respond to the relationship.” Well, guess what. Smith was dropped before this season even started airing. They shoot television shows in advance, people. She was told that they were “no longer writing for her character” in mid-September, and this season started on 25 September. So don’t tell me that the public wasn’t ready for the relationship, or wasn’t responding well. It was all the network. The huge bummer? Smith had just relocated to Los Angeles for the show, uprooting her family for what she thought was going to be a consistent role.

It sounds like the actors (and Rhimes) have pretty much had their hands tied by the network when it comes to commenting, although Patrick Dempsey (one of the leads) did make some pointed comments in an interview on Ellen about the topic, stopping short of saying that it was gaywashing, but expressing some surprise that Smith was so abruptly removed from the show.

And now, it seems like the other gay-friendly storylines on the show are being toned down. A new character who is supposedly bisexual is being brought on the show, but she’s going to be limited to the straight sex which has characterized the show thus far.

I don’t know why ABC made the decision to yank the gay storyline and to whisk the character out of sight so that people never have to think about her again. I think we’re going to see Callie turning back to the straight life, reinforcing the pathetic idea that being gay or lesbian is a choice. And I think that’s a shame. The network really had a chance to tell a compelling and interesting story, and they dumped it, for fear of riling people up or causing offense.

I can think of only a handful of positively-portrayed LGBQT characters on network television, and I think that’s a crying shame. Especially from a show like Grey’s Anatomy, which prides itself on its color-blind casting, a pretty progressive move in a color-obsessed industry. We live in a society where people are obsessed with sexuality, so of course television has to include sex, but apparently only conventional straight sex. No lesbians, gays, queers, kinksters, transpeople, or asexuals allowed.

The notable exception to this rule appears to be Bones, which continually introduces new ideas about sexuality and interpersonal relationships. Bones doesn’t always nail it, and I am not always totally delighted with the way they handle issues ranging from polyamory to pony play, but at least they aren’t afraid of topics which other networks seem to shy away from like the plague.