More Words of Wisdom From AskMen

Read a Czech translation of this post done by Vera at Hezky ?esky feministicky.

You know what I love about AskMen? Every time I’m having a bad day or I’m not sure what I want to write about, I can click on over to their website and be amused, horrified, and inspired. Every time. Usually, I don’t even have to click in that deeply, because there’s something amazing right there in front. I really appreciate the thoughtful attention their editorial crew has dedicated to this matter.

Today’s special, a lovely feature entitled “How To Tell She’s About to Cheat,” complete with misogynistic comments from AskMen viewers! Who are apparently as serious about keeping me entertained as the editorial staff are.

Let’s start with reason number one: She has a case of “mentionitis.”

Yes, because when your girlfriend starts randomly mentioning someone’s name a lot, it’s clearly because she’s pondering boning this person. It’s not, say, because they’re working on a project, or she’s making a new friend, or this person is new in her life/workplace and is therefore on her mind. Nope, it’s definitely because she “can’t help thinking about him.” (Always “him,” of course, because if your girlfriend was cheating on you with a “her,” that would be hot, and therefore ok.)

Number two: She’s giving you space–a little too much space.

Apparently, women can’t actually get busy or have personal lives, which means that they arrange all of their time to suit their partners. So, if your girlfriend suddenly can’t spend as much time with you, it means that she’s obviously spending that time with other men. It’s not because she’s a professional with a tough deadline, a mother with a lot of work to do while her kid is on break from school, or anything else. Nope. She’s cheatin’. Or thinking on it.

Number three: She brings up reasons to fight.

No one ever actually has legitimate reasons to fight. Women who are settling into their relationships and feel more comfortable about speaking out when they have problems don’t really exist. Because men are always perfect, which means that their girlfriends would have zero reasons to criticize them, ever. It’s definitely not like a partner could do something extremely grating which is tolerated for a while, and then called out.

It’s also not like anyone ever has a bad day and gets home or goes out and is just frustrated and tired and not in a patient or tolerant headspace. It’s not like women have triggers which upset them. No, when women ask people to stop doing things or bring up any issues in a relationship, it’s because they’re looking for a justification to cheat.

Number four: She’s more mysterious

Who is that masked woman? Seriously? This is an indicator that someone is cheating? It’s not, say, an indicator that your girlfriend is planning some special for you and wants to keep it a surprise? It’s not an indicator that she’s waiting on some important news and doesn’t want to get into it until everything is settled? Or an indicator that she’s thinking something through and wants some time to process it?

Number five: She’s less affectionate

Because, again, relationships remain consistent from the very start. Partners never experience ebbs and flows in attraction, never go through a rough period where they just aren’t feeling very cuddly, are never stressed out and distracted so they don’t feel like making sexytime. At least this article stops short of telling men that they should just push a little harder and their girlfriends will like it.

Thanks for the laugh, AskMen! It occurs to me that many of these supposedly sure signs that a woman is cheating/thinking about cheating may actually be signs of psychological disturbance, like, say, signs that some unaddressed issues are coming up, that a woman is experiencing hardship at work, or that a friendship is on rocky ground. So, maybe instead of assuming that your girlfriend is cheating, you should be, you know, asking her what’s going on and seeing if there’s something you can constructive you can do?

Because I feel like accusing your girlfriend of cheating when she’s having a rough time is a pretty sure way to break up a relationship, and make your girlfriend feel like crap.