I had an epiphany over the Christmas holiday, while I was socializing with friends and one of them made an offhand comment about how his girlfriend didn’t enjoy his dead hooker jokes. I realized, in a sudden flash, that I don’t enjoy dead hooker jokes either. I used to be quite a connoisseur of dead hooker/dead baby/dead etc jokes, but I’m not any more. It was a strange moment, because he was talking, and I almost stepped in with “well, I can see why she doesn’t, because dead hooker jokes are not funny. Sex workers are extremely vulnerable to sexual assault and violence, and I don’t think that’s a joking matter.” I didn’t speak up, though, because the conversation veered off in another direction, and because I didn’t want to make a scene.
There seems to be a tendency among a lot of fast young things, especially white ones, to make offensive jokes in “safe” company because it is somehow viewed as an expression of irony. I am ashamed to admit that I once engaged in this behaviour myself, making stupid sexist or racist or whateverist jokes among friends as a show of how hip and sensitive I am, because, you see, the joke is funny because it isn’t funny, and we all know that, so it’s ok.
But, actually, it’s not. Because whateverist jokes are not funny, no matter who tells them, and no matter what the company is. By telling such jokes, we are to some extent buying into them, and we’re also defusing a more serious conversation about cultural issues. For every time someone who is otherwise a very excellent person tells a dead hooker joke, there is someone who takes that joke seriously, who thinks that it is funny, and that someone may eventually end up killing a sex worker, because that joke dehumanized sex workers as a group, thereby making it acceptable.
Furthermore, when people in mixed company make jokes about themselves, they aren’t actually doing it to be hip or funny. They are doing it to defuse tensions, to preemptively dispel nerves, to make people feel more comfortable. And maybe they shouldn’t. Maybe Asians shouldn’t make Asian jokes with their white friends. Maybe Catholics shouldn’t make fun of Catholicism when they hang out with atheists. Maybe blondes shouldn’t make blonde jokes. Perhaps we shouldn’t be subtly encouraging people to think that they should denigrate themselves to make other people feel more secure.
I was thinking about this again on New Year’s Eve, when I was at a dinner party that looked like a multicultural wet dream, and thinking about how all of us were getting along and how race and religion were not an issue, but also how there were subtle undercurrents going on, and that, actually, race and religion were an issue, but no one was saying it. On the surface, all was dandy, but there was a great deal of tiptoeing through the tulips going on.
Each of us comes to our epiphany in our own moment, and I’ve learned that trying to force people to understand the epiphany before they are ready is pointless. But I also think that it’s time for me to be more assertive about not liking whateverist jokes, even if it does make for awkward conversations, because we need to be talking about these things, not ignoring them. And we need to live in a society where people of any color/sexual orientation/religious origin/political belief feel comfortable challenging offensive material, rather than thinking that they need to sit in appalled silence.
You can’t force an epiphany on someone, but you can’t expect people to come to a realization without a bit of gentle nudging. Speaking up when people offend you is the only way to hope to make them understand that they are being offensive, and maybe someday they will make the leap from “not talking about topic x around so-and-s0″ to “not making offensive comments/jokes because they are not funny or appropriate in any setting.”
Epiphany
I had an epiphany over the Christmas holiday, while I was socializing with friends and one of them made an offhand comment about how his girlfriend didn’t enjoy his dead hooker jokes. I realized, in a sudden flash, that I don’t enjoy dead hooker jokes either. I used to be quite a connoisseur of dead hooker/dead baby/dead etc jokes, but I’m not any more. It was a strange moment, because he was talking, and I almost stepped in with “well, I can see why she doesn’t, because dead hooker jokes are not funny. Sex workers are extremely vulnerable to sexual assault and violence, and I don’t think that’s a joking matter.” I didn’t speak up, though, because the conversation veered off in another direction, and because I didn’t want to make a scene.
There seems to be a tendency among a lot of fast young things, especially white ones, to make offensive jokes in “safe” company because it is somehow viewed as an expression of irony. I am ashamed to admit that I once engaged in this behaviour myself, making stupid sexist or racist or whateverist jokes among friends as a show of how hip and sensitive I am, because, you see, the joke is funny because it isn’t funny, and we all know that, so it’s ok.
But, actually, it’s not. Because whateverist jokes are not funny, no matter who tells them, and no matter what the company is. By telling such jokes, we are to some extent buying into them, and we’re also defusing a more serious conversation about cultural issues. For every time someone who is otherwise a very excellent person tells a dead hooker joke, there is someone who takes that joke seriously, who thinks that it is funny, and that someone may eventually end up killing a sex worker, because that joke dehumanized sex workers as a group, thereby making it acceptable.
Furthermore, when people in mixed company make jokes about themselves, they aren’t actually doing it to be hip or funny. They are doing it to defuse tensions, to preemptively dispel nerves, to make people feel more comfortable. And maybe they shouldn’t. Maybe Asians shouldn’t make Asian jokes with their white friends. Maybe Catholics shouldn’t make fun of Catholicism when they hang out with atheists. Maybe blondes shouldn’t make blonde jokes. Perhaps we shouldn’t be subtly encouraging people to think that they should denigrate themselves to make other people feel more secure.
I was thinking about this again on New Year’s Eve, when I was at a dinner party that looked like a multicultural wet dream, and thinking about how all of us were getting along and how race and religion were not an issue, but also how there were subtle undercurrents going on, and that, actually, race and religion were an issue, but no one was saying it. On the surface, all was dandy, but there was a great deal of tiptoeing through the tulips going on.
Each of us comes to our epiphany in our own moment, and I’ve learned that trying to force people to understand the epiphany before they are ready is pointless. But I also think that it’s time for me to be more assertive about not liking whateverist jokes, even if it does make for awkward conversations, because we need to be talking about these things, not ignoring them. And we need to live in a society where people of any color/sexual orientation/religious origin/political belief feel comfortable challenging offensive material, rather than thinking that they need to sit in appalled silence.
You can’t force an epiphany on someone, but you can’t expect people to come to a realization without a bit of gentle nudging. Speaking up when people offend you is the only way to hope to make them understand that they are being offensive, and maybe someday they will make the leap from “not talking about topic x around so-and-s0″ to “not making offensive comments/jokes because they are not funny or appropriate in any setting.”