For this week’s installment on how to help the environment without exerting that much effort, we’re going to talk about a subject dear to the hearts of pretty much anyone under the age of eight: pee pee! Urine, as some might prefer. Pee, for those of you who have been flushing it down your toilet at every opportunity, is a substance with myriad possibilities which go far beyond mere flushing. Plus, it’s fun to talk about.

For amateur players, there’s one simple thing to do with pee which can actually have a pretty big impact on the environment, and that’s “letting it mellow” as they used to say here in California during the drought days. Contrary to popular belief, your toilet will not actually explode, leak, or spontaneously burst into song if urine is left in the bowl.

If you allow urine to accumulate and flush it, you’re going to accomplish several things. First off, you’re going to save on your water bill, because flushing the toilet requires, duh, water. Saving on your water bill is generally a good thing, especially if you live in an area where water rates are going up due to increased population density or drought conditions.

You’re also going to use less water, which is generally agreed to be good for the environment. Also, when you flush pee down the toilet, you’re using perfectly useful potable water, and you’re introducing it to all kinds of nasty things in the sewer/septic system, thereby rendering it useless until it has been subjected to a variety of treatment processes. Which is just kind of dumb. Limiting flushing can have a big impact, especially when everyone in a community does it.

For those with septic systems, reduced flushing also lowers the load on the septic system, which is a good thing as well. Furthermore, for ladies who are concerned about stoppages as a result of toilet paper boluses, used toilet paper can be discreetly disposed of in the garbage, which will also reduce the load on the septic system. The practice of trashing, rather than flushing, toilet paper is actually pretty common in many parts of the world, for all you urbanites who are quivering at the very thought. (Naturally, when trashing toilet paper, one does run the risk of contaminating the soil and groundwater through landfills, unless you incinerate your paper waste. However, one could say the same thing about diapers, and no one’s suggesting we get rid of those.)

For the more advanced, here’s a short list of exciting things you can do with pee.

• Use it as fertilizer. Diluted in water in around a 10:1 solution, pee makes great fertilizer. You can actually make it less dilute, depending on the plant, although you do run a risk of creating a bit of a smell.
• Also for gardening: repel unwanted animal visitors, such as deer, with a healthy sprinkling of urine around their favourite spots.
• Make gunpowder with it! You’ll need a lot of urine, and it will need to be stale before being strained slowly through woodchips, straw or other organic material for the saltpeter. Not for the faint of heart.
• Use it in textile production; urine has historically been used to bleach whites, full wool, and set dyes. You’ll get bonus authenticity points at ren fairs if you can boast a genuine urine finish, I promise. Again, the urine has to be allowed to stand, to allow ammonia to develop.

In an interesting historical sidenote, when penicillin was still extremely expensive during the Second World War, physicians distilled the urine of their patients in the Pacific Theatre to reclaim, uh, penicillin. But you don’t need to do that. Unless you want to. But consult your doctor first, ok?

So, kids, that’s the urine special. Sometime we’ll talk about number two, as well, but for now, here are some exciting toilet tips for further water conserving greatness:

• Put a brick in it. Most toilets, even low-flow toilets, use more water than strictly needed per flush. Stick a brick or another large object in the toilet bowl to displace water, thereby reducing the amount used per flush. You can also adjust your little toilet bobbly thingie (and don’t try and tell me that’s not a technical term) to lower the overall water level in your toilet.
• Consider installing a handwashing sink over your toilet; a number of companies make neat little modules which allow you to wash your hands in the water flowing into the toilet tank, thereby killing two birds with one stone, as it were.
• Get rid of your toilet (not for all those reading along at home, I know). Composting toilets, incinerating toilets, and plain old outhouses use little to no water, and they produce a sterile byproduct when handled properly. Yay!