Dear Neighbor With the Incredibly Loud Truck,

I happened to be up early this morning, since it was sunny and it seemed like a pity to waste such a beautiful day. This is not always the case, however, and the fact that you idle your incredibly loud truck approximately four feet from my head every morning is starting to get extremely irritating.

I’m going to charitably assume you are a contractor, since most normal people do not require what is obviously a very heavy duty truck. Most normal people also do not get up extremely early and idle their trucks outside other people’s bedrooms while they tromp loudly up and down stairs. They also do not play music so loudly that it causes physical pain to people who are not inside said truck; I can’t imagine what it’s doing to your ears. Most normal people also don’t idle their trucks for such an excessively long period of time, unless they live in the Midwest in the winter; think of the dinosaurs you are wasting!

Perhaps you do not realize that my house is actually a house. I realize that, from the alley side, it could be mistaken for a large storage shed. The person who converted it into a cottage apparently felt that west-facing windows were not necessary, perhaps because said windows would have looked out onto an alley. (Although some skylights wouldn’t have gone amiss; this house gets wicked dark in the afternoon.) I’m pretty sure that you do know that my house is a house, though, since your twee little upstairs deck looks onto my garden. I know. I’ve heard you talking about my garden.

I’m a little bit unsure about what step I should take here. I’m tempted to put up a large sign on the outside of my house which says “someone sleeps here,” but that seems a bit passive aggressive. I am also hesitant to go charging over to your house to talk to you about this, since I don’t know you at all and that would feel kind of awkward. I almost came roaring out in my kimono to express my wrath this morning, but it seemed petty since I was already awake. How can I best approach this problem while retaining neighborhood unity? I feel that if we ever meet face to face, I will be tempted to pelt you with eggs while making disparaging comments about your parentage, and that wouldn’t be terribly productive.

The thing is, some people like to sleep late. It’s not an indicator of slothfulness or idleness, it’s simply an indicator of a different sleeping schedule. I go to bed late because I work late, and therefore, I sleep late. Not terribly late by anyone’s standards; usually I’m up by 10 or 11, and sometimes my cycle switches around a bit and I favor 8 or 9. But I most certainly do not appreciate being woken up at seven.

You see, the thing is, for me, that waking me up really throws me off. If I am woken up by external forces, the hours of sleep which I have previously clocked are essentially worthless. I also cannot go back to sleep once you’ve idled your excessively large truck right outside my bedroom for 15 minutes, partially because I’m been jostled fully awake and partially because I have been filled with a rage which is somewhat difficult to describe on paper. Suffice it to say that if I did have southfacing windows, we would find ourselves in a pretty pickle.

I’m asking you, and the population in general, to have some common decency. People live in alleys. Alleys are not places for idling large trucks, carrying on shouted conversations, shooting up, or participating in other sordid activities. Alleys are certainly not places for speeding souped up ricers, either. Many of the people who live in alley houses are on the lower end of the income spectrum, and many of us work odd hours to make ends meet. We do not appreciate being repeatedly woken by inconsiderate nincompoops.

Just remember; we are many, and you are few.


Your Extremely Irritated Neighbor, Who is Tempted to Start Calling the Cops on You
(Oh, and I can, my little friend, I can call the cops on you for a noise violation. Don’t think I don’t know the city code.)