Gentle readers, I am in sore need of your antspertise. My house has been invaded, inundated, deluged, even, in ants. They. Are. Everywhere. It’s really rather disgusting to see the seething masses, and I’ve tried literally everything I can think of to combat them.

I really loathe insects. Writing this entry actually makes my skin crawl, causing bursts of itching to break out on various body parts. You’d think that since I live next to a virtual superfund site, ants would not be present, but you’d be wrong. Rumor on the street also has it that other residents of the Bragg-town are being similarly attacked, so maybe we need to band together or something.

Before I appeal for help, it may be of some assistance to know a few facts:

1. I am extremely clean, so you don’t need to tell me to wash my dishes and wipe down my counter. My levels of cleanliness have caused people to accuse me of obsessive compulsive disorder.

2. Most of my food is tightly packaged in glass or tupperware, especially goodies like sugar and candy.

3. I have cats and plants, so poison is not an option. In addition, my neighbor has tarantulas, so I want to avoid targeted insectides, since I would feel awful if I hurt his tarantulas. Since he’s pretty close, I am concerned that the ants could carry something over there.

4. The hippies among you can rest assured that yes, I did try animal communication, and no, it was not successful. For those of you who don’t know what that means, I paid a hippie to come to my house and “talk” to the ants, in an attempt to negotiate a truce.

So…knowing what you know…any suggestions for getting the ants out of my life?