For the imbibers among my readers, I must insist that you immediately run, don’t walk, to your nearest purveyor of alcoholic beverages and pick up a six pack/case/flat of beer of your choice. At the moment, I’m favoring Fat Tire and Big Daddy IPA*, but really, it’s whatever floats your boat. Try to stick with an ale, though. And glass. Glass is important. Good beer doesn’t come in cans anyway, and a keg will not suit our purposes, as excellent as it is.
Put the beer into your fridge, and make sure to inform housemates, guests, and visiting heads of state that upon pain of death, one bottle must remain untouched for you to drink at leisure. It is, after all, your beer.
Now, the next time you have a long, hot, sticky, intense day, remove your beer from the fridge, pop the top off, and go into the bathroom. Place the beer on a flat surface in close proximity to the shower. I favor the lid of the toilet, but I have a small bathroom. Next, disrobe, and turn your shower** on, as though initiating a normal shower procedure.
However, intersperse your ritual bathing with delicious sips of cold, spicy, fantastic beer. Trust me on this one. Flail your hand on out from behind that shower curtain, grab the bottle, and take a swig. Try not to bring the beer all the way into the shower. The warm water from the shower relaxes you as the beer trickles into the cockles of your heart, warming them from within and slowly melting away the miseries of the day. Lounge in the shower. Relish the beertastic experience. Feel the cares of the world disappearing, one by one, leaving you, alone in the shower, with your beer. All is right and perfect with the world.
Finish the bottle, if that’s your kind of thing, before leisurely stepping out and toweling down.
Make sure to recycle!
*Ginger ale would probably work, for those of you not into beer, but I cannot guarantee it. If someone wants to experiment and get back to me, leave comments below.
**This would probably work in a tub as well, but when you’ve had a long hot gross day, showering just…feels better. Brisker. More excellent. Also, if you tub with beer, you might fall asleep, and I don’t want to be liable for that. So, actually, forget the tub thing, ok?