Vagina Dentata

So I was wandering through Safeway the other day looking for toothpaste that wouldn’t smell terrible or cost an obscene amount, and I stumbled across the feminine hygiene aisle. No, not the aisle with the Tampax, the pregnancy tests, and the condoms…the…other feminine products aisle. I’d already been violated by the bright and shiny flowers on Tampax boxes, but this aisle actually caused my eyes to burn.

Now, my female dear readers probably know that their vaginas are dirty and disgusting, filled with nefarious bacteria and teeth ready to attack. This is why we need flowery fresh washing products and vagina toothbrushes, because a vagina cavity is a terrible thing. But my male readers may not be aware that the vagina is actually a den of filth, harboring disease and malificence.

I was truly astounded when I stumbled across the “Summers Eve” line of, uh, female care products. I think I’ve written elsewhere about my feelings on douching. But I wasn’t aware that the company had built up an entire empire of products surrounding the idea that genitals are gross. They even come in different incarnations for sensitive skin and normal skin. And scents, you know.

I, uh, don’t really know what to think about this. I mean, I do know what to think about this: it grosses and weirds me out. I’m all for cleanliness of the external genitalia, which should be accomplished with regular bathing and a mild odor neutral soap. Scents can cause irritation and obscure that “natural musk” that the Joy of Sex is all about.

I am really disturbed that putting questionable chemicals on my naughty bits will apparently make me more “feminine.” Feminine values apparently include being filled with C.B. Fleet products. And they don’t just make douches and washes…they also make “feminine deodorant” and “feminine powder” and “feminine cleansing cloths.” Hey…cleansing cloths can be useful in dire situations…but once again, I think I’ll stick with the mild odor neutral ones at the doctor’s office, not one that will leave a “Summer’s Eve Fresh Scent.”

What is this thing with “freshness” and feeling “not so fresh”? I can say with great confidence that I have never been concerned about my state of freshness, and I’ve done my fair share of kinky camping. I am not an item in the produce aisle, for Pete’s sake.

The primary thing that disturbs me about this company is that they are marketing products to women on a false assumption: that a healthy sexually active female smells bad. But there’s a more insidious health risk: if you have a runny discharge, a funky scent, or itching, these are symptoms of a health problem. The correct treatment is not “Summer’s Eve Anti-Itch Powder,” it is a visit to a medical doctor who can diagnose and treat the condition before it turns serious. Women need to know that reproductive health is extremely important, and that caring for their bodies involves seeking medical attention for obvious health problems.

Healthy genitalia smell good. A little musky, maybe, especially if the person is aroused. After a long day, things might be a bit sweaty and salty…indicators that a shower is needed. Perhaps together, to be sure one is being thorough. If bad smells are happening, bad health is happening. Regular bathing should result in cleanliness…and using products like that just makes you smell like a chemical factory. Ugh.

And why the hell don’t they sell “masculine hygiene products”?

Because, let me tell you, I know some very stinky boys who don’t know how to clean their pee pees. Let alone the rest of themselves. I think they could benefit from a “Fall Crisp” cleansing wipe now and then.

[summers eve]
[feminine hygiene]