Comcast Totally and Completely Sucks

So, our internet connection has been patchy the last few days. I’ve mainly been pirating other peoples’, but today I was having trouble doing that as well, so I thought it was time for my weekly Comcast phone call to see what was up, and also to find out how much money they think I owe them.

Call number one:

“Hi, thank you for choosing Comcast, this is—”

“Verizon Wireless Network Message 562: Call Lost.”

Call number two:

“Hi, thank you for choosing Comcast, this is John.”

“Uh, hi John, I just got cut off. I’m having trouble connecting to the internet? I’ve reset the router and modem multiple times and they aren’t working.”

“Right, could I get the phone number associated with the account?”

“Sure, 123-456-7890.”

“Great, and your—”

“Verizon Wireless Network Message 562: Call Lost.”

Call number three:

“Hi, thank you for calling Comcast, this is Jane, how may I help you?”

“Hi Jane, I was just cut off…I am having some problems with my internet?”

“Ok, could I get the phone number associated with the account?”

“123-456-7890.”

“Great, and your name?”

“Defenestrate Jones.”

“Great, Defenestrate…so what seems to be the problem?”

“Well Jane, our internet hasn’t been working all day, and I have reset the router and modem, and it is still not working.”

“Hrm, ok…well, I don’t see a modem online at that address. How many lights are blinking?”

“Uh, the one on the right.”

“Ok, I’m going to have you unplug the modem for at least fifteen seconds and—”

“Verizon Wireless Network Message 593: Call Terminated.”

Call number four:

“Hi, thank you for calling Comcast, this is Dave. How may I help you?”

“Hi Dave…I’m having problems with my internet.”

“Great! Can I get the phone number associated with the account?”

“123-456-7890.”

“Ok, and your name?”

“Defenestrate Jones.”

“What?”

“D-e-f-e-n-e-s-t-r-a-t-e.”

“Oh, ok. So, uh, I don’t see a modem online at that address.”

“Yeah, uh, the last tech I had said to unplug it and plug it back in…I’ve tried resetting it a couple of times.”

“Hrm, well, I guess I had better send a tech out then.”

“Uh, yeah, that would be great.”

“Hrm, well. Looks like the whole block is out!”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah, we can get someone out on…the 28th. Does that sound good?”

“No.”

“Ok, great! How about between one and three?”

“Fine, whatever. Dave.”

“Now, I should tell you that if the problem is outside the home or with our equipment, then we won’t charge you. But if it is your equipment, we’ll charge you $50.”

“Well, it certainly sounds like your problem if the entire block is out, now doesn’t it, Dave?”

“Uh, yeah, I guess so. So I’ll make that appointment for the 28th then, okey dokey?”

“Yeah, uh, Dave, I was also wondering if you could tell me the outstanding balance on my account?”

“Sure thing, uh…one moment, let me confirm this appointment…yeah, $173.84.”

“Oh, great, Dave. That’s great. Thanks.”

“Verizon Wireless Network Message 592: Unable to Complete Connection.”

And how I am connecting to the internet right now, you ask? A lady never tells.

[Comcast]