And now for something completely different

So, every now and then I get bored, and I decide to share my thoughts with the companies and organizations I deal with in my daily life. Someday I will recount the Stonyfield Farm incident to you, dear readers. The exchange of the moment is with the staff at JPR, which is perhaps one of the greatest radio stations on the west coast. If you like NPR and classical music rather than AP news and shitty music. No, seriously. JPR is a super cool station and I really like them.

However, JPR has two flaws, discussed below, and I thought “why keep this entertaining email exchange to myself, when I could be sharing it with the world?”

First message:

Dear JPR–

I am writing to let you know that I have a small problem with your programming. Actually, I have two problems.

The first is Diana Kugel. It’s a pity, really, because I was rather fond of noodle kugel, and now can’t eat it because it reminds me of her. She is a terrible commentator. Her voice is extremely annoying, and my cats hiss when she comes on. Also, her rambling is usually utterly inane. She offers nothing to your otherwise fine radio station, and indeed detracts from my usually joyful experience of JPR, as I am forced to lunge for the volume knob whenever her nasal, whiny, obnoxious tones yodel out from my speakers. She is an offense to all that is good radio commentation. I wish that she would go away entirely, as a commentator, or at very least be limited to perhaps one day a week, like Fridays at 4am. She can have a whole hour long show then, if you ask me. Otherwise, she should stay in the mountains above the damn applegate river, as far as I am concerned.

The other problem I have is with the radio travesty you refer to as “On With the Show.” I’m not sure if you air it at 5:30 on Saturdays because at that point your listeners are lulled into complacency after several beers, but I wish you could skip right from All Things Considered to the State Farm Music hall on Saturdays, because I like the State Farm Music Hall. “On With the Show” is terrible. So terrible, in fact, that I have deliberately requested Saturday nights at work for the last five years in order to ensure that I don’t accidentally hear even a note.

Other than these two issues I have with it, I think you have a very fine radio station. JPR is vastly superior to any of the stations in my neighborhood, and in general I enjoy listening to it. I like State Farm Music Hall very much, for example, especially in the wee hours of the morning. I also generally like the Jefferson daily, and I adore Nature Notes. Keep up the good work, my Oregonian friends.

Thank you,

meloukhia

Reply:

Dear meloukhia —

Thank you for your email. We will consider your comments along with all of the responses we receive about our programming.

Sincerely,

Eric Teel
Director of FM Network Programming
Jefferson Public Radio

Can’t you almost feel the dryness here? I couldn’t let this slide without a dignified response, and here it is:

Dear Eric–

I’m flattered that you consider the rantings of clearly deranged musical theatre haters in your programming decisions. Remind me to actually donate during the funding drive this year, instead of tacking a note to my door that says “donate to JPR fund drive.”

–meloukhia

Will JPR let it rest here? Probably. But I had better receive a personal note from Eric during the pledge drive to remind me of my promise.

[JPR]