To all of you who end up here in search of actual information, I apologize.

You’ve come here looking for recipes for spinach salad and sweet potato gnocci, and been disappointed. You’ve ended up browsing after the red herrings of women’s ice hockey and women’s ski jumping. Maybe you were looking for information on feederism. You want resources on current events, like police protocol in hunting accidents, and habitat destruction due to construction.

To all of you who come looking for porn, I don’t apologize. A Google excerpt like this: “So that’s my annual exam story. The best one yet, I must say, the sort of thing that makes me say … In the end, despite the humiliation and severe pain, …” should convince you this is not the right site for your needs. literotica is a really excellent source for erotica designed to meet all tastes.

To those of you searching for “how to eat a waffle wikipedia,” I don’t know what to tell you. I can say that I usually start by pouring the melted butter evenly across my waffle, followed with the syrup, and that I utilize a knife and fork for my waffle consumption needs.

Sometimes you perplex me, as the person who searched for “dangerously thin steroid hollywood” did. Perhaps you meant “stereotype?” Or were you researching weight loss drugs? I’m also confused about “lie back and think of England being you.” Am I lying back and imagining myself as England? How does this work, exactly.

Sometimes you worry me, as “why does my smear test hurt so much” did. I seem to get a lot of results related to annual exams and smear tests and pain, so here’s some wisdom for you: it should never, ever, be painful. If your examination is painful, you have a shit doctor or a medical problem. If your results have no abnormalities, switch to a different doctor, for the love of Pete.

And all of you ended up on a site written by nobody in particular about nothing at all, and some of you even stayed and browsed around. Sometimes your navigation paths fascinate me–you come here looking for “open container fort bragg” and you end up reading feminist rants about fat. Some of you must be so bitterly disappointed in me. For the love of Pete, my web children, please remember that the internet is not usually a trustworthy resource, and that for emergency situations like “I think I broke my arm and it is bleeding,” you should probably be looking for a hospital, or calling this man, not searching for an answer on the internet! I’m always excited about the potential of the internet for a rough quick answer, but never let it have the final word. Ok? Good.