To the extraordinarily loud woman who was seated in proximity to me at dinner

I realize that manners are a declining grace in this society, and that I am not exactly a paragon of etiquette. I also realize that loud, uncouth women with no class such as yourself are alarmingly common in this society, especially considering your company.

And I want you to know, really, that I felt worse for the couple seated behind us who were trying to have a romantic date than for us, although after about the seventh time your loud, grating cackle shattered my eardrum, I wasn’t too concerned about them anymore, but was merely concerned with myself and my dinner guest.

I had a deep moment of internal debate, because I eat at this restaurant frequently, far more frequently than you do, and I like to maintain a rapport with the staff and the owners. I like to be known as an easygoing, friendly customer who is not too much of a bother, although I do have an obnoxious tendency to take people with allergies out to dinner. I thought to myself that perhaps I should ask to be moved, except that the restaurant was very busy, and I felt it would place an unreasonable burden on the staff.

I also thought, perhaps, that the best solution to the problem might be getting up, strolling the six feet to your chair, and running my fork through your trachea. You should consider yourself extremely fortunate–were it not for the fact that I adore the restaurant and the staff, and wouldn’t want to get myself permanently thrown out, you would probably be in emergency surgery right now, your blood thinned by the large amount of alcohol you had obviously been drinking.

In the end, we simply bore it, because this is our nature, as human beings. But I have a plea to you–please–when you go out to eat, drink less. Modulate your voice. Think, perhaps, that other people are trying to enjoy otherwise wonderful meals and might, perhaps, have less self restraint than I do. Which for people who know me is an alarming thought, but it is a fact–there are people in existence who do actually possess less self control than I do. And one of them might not be so reticent with their dessert spoon next time.

Thank you,

The far better dressed and mannered restaurant patron to your left.